Diary of a Blood Ray - January 5th, 2005

Tonight, I was convinced to go out by Billy, a reader of this blog and someone whom I know through gay.com. He's a good guy, and I'm glad to be making some new friends. We went to a couple of bars, and I was surprised to find karaoke, so I got some singing in, which really makes my night, no matter how you slice it. (Wow. Worst. Sentence. Ever.)

When I got to my car, I realized that I didn't have the key that unlocks the Club that Asher bought for me. The other day as I was cleaning I found a key to it, and assumed it was the extra one, the one I kept in my bag. So I threw it my bag and went on my way. It was only tonight as my blood ran cold and I feared my car was locked forever on the side street next to AMP that I realized that the key I found wasn't my extra, but the one that I keep on my key ring. It must have somehow fallen off. Luckily, I forgot to actually lock the Club, so I was able to start my car. I don't feel as safe as I thought I was though, now. I need another lesson from Asher on how to probably lock the club.

He called me tonight, from Arizona, but I was out and missed his call. It was nice to hear his voice, though.

All right. New Year's. For this, I need to go back a little bit. How do I even explain this in a way that makes any sense? Long story short - back in October I briefly dated a guy that I thought had some potential. I thought he had a lot of potential, actually, but after a few dates, he pulled back, and it ended. Not horribly, but not well. It was clear he liked me, but for whatever reason he felt it wasn't the right time, etc. I was hurt. I got over it.

I spoke to him here and there over the next few months. A few weeks ago, we started talking more, and he starting saying things like, "I sometimes wonder if I push people away and miss out on a good thing" and "I remember how cute you were and how smart and what a good kisser," etc. I finally told him to shit or get off the pot. This was during the break from Asher so, while I'm not exactly proud of my behavior, I don't kick myself too much for it. He was actually my escort to Phantom (the first time). Well, he and Shania both.

There is unenviable chemistry between me and This Guy and that what is led me to the decision that I would accept his invitation to spend New Year's Eve with him. Asher and I had just gotten back with contact, and he made out other plans that night. Again, I'm not a saint here, but it's not completely horrible. Besides, This Guy stressed that he thought I was a great guy and even if we were to just hang out platonically, he would be cool.

We began at a party, where people (including the aforementioned Billy) met, had a few drinks and went to dinner, where we had more drinks. And more drink. At dinner, This Guy and I were all over each other. Kissing here and there, arms around each other, etc. More than one person commented on what a cute couple we made. Our dinner (which This Guy had offered to pay for, as I am totally broke right now) was paid for by the spirit of Baby New Year, I guess. I have my suspicions as to who secretly paid the bill for the whole table, but I'll probably never know. We were actually sent back to the party home first, where we proceeded to make out. And make out.

At some point (and I don't think this was the intention of either of us), we began to talk about US. He told me that he was happy just casually dating. I told him that I was tired of every guy in my life pulling the same BS. He said he was also seeing other people. I said I felt guilty thinking of Asher, who is such a prize after a long and torturous battle. He said he never imagined he'd be with someone who got high. He said the Hedwig thing really bothered him. I tried to press that second point, but I didn't get much of a clarification. In all fairness, I encouraged him to tell me what he found wrong with me. I was curious, I guess. It become such a mess between the two of us that (and this occurred before midnight, mind you) not long after 2005 was upon us we were out the door.

He drove me back to my place. He came in. We made out, we talked, we pretended like we just hadn't had an hour long horribly ugly scene, both at the party and in his car. And then, on New Year's Day, we awoke, made out some more, talked non-stop about nothing, and then both just sort of went, "Yeah. This is wrong." And he left.

I don't know how much sense this makes. I wonder it makes me seem like a rotten person. If he was some random of the street, I wouldn't have given him the time of day. It's just that I've met precious few people in my life that I felt such an electricity with when I stood next to them. And it's even rarer when they feel it, too. I'll never be able to explain this properly, I guess.

I've been in love a few times, and in each case, I knew right away. It's not like I saw him that I knew I was in love, but looking back, I can easily see that I immediately knew that I had the potential to love them. It was like that with This Guy. It doesn't negate what I have developing with Asher, it's just something that is what it is.

I suppose on one hand it was nice to feel that wanted, to feel that insane sort of heat. On the other, it just makes me sad. Sad, because I shouldn't even be thinking about anyone else and sad because I think we both missed out on something that actually might have been pretty nice.

He's a really good kisser. But who wants to be with someone who can't handle Hedwig?