Diary of a Blood Ray - February 9th, 2005

Pretty much everything reminds me of Asher.  And everything that reminds me of Asher makes me cry. At least twice an hour, I hear something he said in my head.  This voice in my head also makes me cry.  I cry at work, I cry in the car, I cried in the bathroom while I was having lunch with -Sebastian- yesterday. 

I worry about him, wondering how he's doing.  I hope he's got some people around him to help him through this, but I don't think he does. 

It's astounding how quickly someone can become a part of your life.  He and I were only together for two months, but untangling him from life is proving to more difficult than I would have thought.  I flip through my Tivo and find movies I had recorded for us to watch.  I look in the fridge and see the bowl he brought over last week filled with potatoes, because he wanted to make sure I had something for dinner.  Hell, every time I club my steering wheel I think of him. 

I absolutely know it was the right thing to end it with him.  I just didn't expect to miss him this much.  Part of it is just selfish I guess.  I've never had a man look at me the way he looked at me.  He listened to me talk.  And talk.  He was always doing one nice thing or another for me.  He was really good to me.  He thought I was beautiful and amazing, and I never felt more beautiful then when I'd see myself reflected in his eyes. 

But I miss him for less selfish reasons (at least I think they are less selfish).  He is one of the sweetest and most gentle people I have ever met.  He could always find the silver lining in things.  He has such a kind heart. 

He loved me without question.  I hope he knows that I loved him. 

It's always odd when you can pinpoint the moment when you've added another regret the list of regrets you will take to the grave.  You've just been privy to my first for the year 2005, Gentle Reader.